Bert Oliva

It’s Not My Fault!

By Bert Oliva

25
SEP
0

“It’s not my fault!” “But you said…” “I didn’t mean to…” How often have you found yourself saying these things? I had a coaching student who started saying these things all the time. She’d reach out to help people and then would react badly when anyone had anything remotely critical to say.

She made her herself out to be a martyr. Made it so she was doing everything for other people and was not in control of anything. So then nothing was ever her fault and she would constantly blame others. She would act out and pick fights with the people whom she felt were “forcing” her to do things.

The worst thing about this situation was that she was not aware she was doing it. She kept getting into fights with those around her and she wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t able to see the pattern she had put herself in.

I asked her to journal. To start journaling daily. Soon after she told me she had figured it out. Looking at her journal entries, she was able to see the pattern of her being a martyr. Of her silently resenting those around her for things she actually volunteered to do. She began to see her refusal to accept responsibility for her actions.

So, what exactly is the problem with not taking responsibility? Isn’t it much easier to walk through life thinking nothing is your fault? Isn’t it better? No. Because subconsciously speaking, when we don’t take responsibility but instead make excuses for everything, then nothing is in our control. The reason we don’t have the life we want is because of someone else. The reason we made that mistake is because of something else. Etc. Etc. When we have excuses for everything, we have no reason to grow and push ourselves because we can’t change anything ourselves. We are stuck in a never ending cycle of mediocre that we have no way of getting out of.

I’m not saying to go to the extreme and say everything is your fault. But for the most part, everything that happens to you, is at least partially a result of your choices. You even have choices regarding those things that happen that are truly outside of your realm of influence—because you can choose how you react to them. You are able to be in full control of your thoughts and actions. You just have to work on it.

If you are on the journey of self growth, consciously working on accepting responsibility for your choices and actions and what happens to you is an important task to take on. This will by no means be an easy task that you learn instantaneously. It will be a learning process. But it is a process that is utterly worthwhile.

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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A Look At The End

By Bert Oliva

24
SEP
0

Today, I watched through my team member’s, Val’s, eyes, as she helped her ill grandmother have a fantastic time ballroom dancing. I saw her eyes tear up as her grandmother smiled and even though her Alzheimer’s riddled mind keeps her from remembering her granddaughter’s name half the time, her body remembered the dance steps that she used to dance with her late husband every weekend. The smile that lit up the almost 88-year-old woman was blinding. She had an amazing time.

While Val was thrilled to see her grandmother so happy, I also saw something much deeper and darker hit her too: fear and knowing. Fear of losing her beloved grandmother and knowing that this reality will happen only too soon. These emotions made the moments harder for Val, but I think she enjoyed them more because of how very deeply she felt the whole experience.

I know these emotions all too well with my late mother, but unfortunately I don’t feel that I took enough times to be with her before she passed, which is why I’ve pushed Val so hard to enjoy every possible moment she can with her grandmother.

It’s important for everyone to realize that nothing in life is permanent. Nothing is forever. And we should take absolutely nothing for granted. Especially those in our lives whom we love dearly.

I’m not saying anyone should focus on the negative, but I do think it’s vital that we realize the impermanence of everything in life so that we can appreciate every single moment we have to its fullest. We get so caught up in everyday busy-ness most of the time that we miss out on the true point of life—those magical memories with our loved ones.

Though it may be easier to avoid the hard moments by simply staying too busy to see that family member who’s ill, etc., it won’t make the final moment any easier. In fact, it will make it harder. Val has told me on numerous occasions that she’s grateful for all the extra time she’s been taking with her grandmother. That she knows, that in the end, she will have tons of beautiful memories to fall back on and hold close to her heart. And I do believe the one of her adorable grandmother doing the foxtrot with a jack-o-lantern grin on her face will be near the top of the list.

Live Life,

Bert Oliva

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Bert Oliva

Thank You

By Bert Oliva

22
SEP
0

When was the last time you felt grateful for something? I mean, truly grateful? To the point where you feel it in your gut? A moment of profound gratitude that hits you like a ton of bricks and you are just utterly humbled by and utterly thankful for something?

I had one of these moments today. I was not feeling my best and took it a little easy. My team and family rallied around me and took care of me. I am so unbelievably thankful for my life, family, and team. I am so grateful for the experiences I have had and where I am in my life today. I can not even fully express the gratitude I feel on paper.

I think one of the things that’s lacking in our society as a whole nowadays is gratitude. So many people feel entitled to things that they forget to be grateful. I do not believe this is something people have chosen to do consciously, but I do feel it is becoming an epidemic, especially in our younger generations. Perhaps it is technology and how quickly we are expected to respond to one another that we forget the everyday common courtesies that were so ingrained in my generation and the generations before me.

I’m truly not sure. I do know that I am working on instilling a sense of gratitude in my children. Teaching them to be thankful for everything that they have. Helping them to realize that nothing they have is a right; that everything they have truly is a privilege.

To be completely honest, I know that I fall into this lack of courtesy at times myself. There are times when I am too curt with people or lacking time to truly express gratitude to another person. However, how long does it take to say “Thank you” to another human being? A second or two? What are a couple of seconds out of our day to really acknowledge what someone else has done for us? And what may be a second or two for us may make all the difference in the other person’s day.

So, I want to take this moment and thank all of you. Thank you for taking the time to read my musings and for all of your feedback. Thank you for your support and your friendship. Thank you. You are all very important to me.

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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I’m Not Perfect

By Bert Oliva

21
SEP
0

I lost my cool today. One person pushed my buttons all day today and I finally just bit back. There are tons of excuses I can make for myself and my diminished patience. Lack of sleep. A head cold that’s been plaguing me. The way the person was treating me all day. Etc.

But none of those excuses make me feel better about my behavior. Justifying my behavior does not make my behavior any better or any less demeaning. I was hurtful. And no matter what is happening around us, there is no reason for us to be hurtful.

Normally, I just take a step back and take some time away from a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I’m truly not sure why I did not tonight, but this experience is a good reminder to me that we always have more growth to do and that we are all human. No matter how much growth we do, there will be times when we lose our cool and when we are not proud of our behavior. The point of growth is to minimize these occasions though.

The point of growth is also to be able to look at a situation after the fact where you may not have behaved at your best and learn from it. What could you do differently? What were the events that happened—the triggers—that lead up to you losing your cool? Being able to analyze a situation and find what lead up to your behavior will help keep you from doing it again.

Another aspect of growth is not beating yourself up over past mistakes. Yes, I let a situation get the best of me today, but what can be accomplished from me sitting here berating myself for hours after the fact? Isn’t it much more productive to just admit that you had a misstep and review what happened so that you can avoid it in the future? That’s what I believe.

I believe that life is about learning from your missteps, and growing and changing. I believe it is not about being perfect, but rather being willing to admit that you are imperfect. Being able to see where you want to get to, not just with your career or family, but personally. Deciding the type of person you want to be in your life and figuring out a path to get there. Taking the time to take hard looks at your own behavior, admitting when you don’t like what you see, and making the appropriate choices and taking the steps to change it.

So, who do you want to be?

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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One Of Those Days…

By Bert Oliva

20
SEP
0

So my day today was not an easy one, but during a moment of reflection today, I started thinking about my blog post from yesterday, in which I started out with the line, “Ever have one of those days?”

Why is it that that phrase is automatically negative? Why is it that when someone asks you that question, your mind races toward the worst day you’ve ever had? Why can’t we ever have “one of those happy, awesome, fantastic days”? Why is it so ingrained in us to thing negatively?

Researchers have found that 80% of our daily thoughts are negative. That’s about 45,000 negative thoughts per day. These are known as Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) because most of these thoughts happen without us fully being aware of them. Our brains also process negative thoughts differently than positive ones; negative feelings tend to involve more thought processing. Studies have also shown that psychologically speaking, most people view negative people as being smarter.

So, just why are we so prone to think about the negative? Is it human nature or something we’ve been conditioned to do over time thanks to society? Many researchers believe that this Negativity Bias comes from our evolution. They believe we tend to think pessimistically because it ensures our survival; the more scared we are to do things, the less likely we are to get hurt.

Though, I venture to argue the opposite. The more scared we are to do things, the less likely we are to take chances and grow and succeed. Nothing is accomplished by sitting around worrying all of the time about things that have not happened but could possibly happen. Whether you believe your future is set or not, you must agree that the only time we can actually work in is now—the past is behind us and our future has not happened—it is only our present that is available. And if we spend our present focusing on the negative, we will never get anywhere.

I challenge you to go out and change this. Look for the positive in every single situation that comes your way this week. No matter what it is you are facing, there is something positive there. You may have to dig for it, but it is there.

Now go out and have “one of those days.” Make it amazing and awesome and one-of-a-kind. Make it one of those unforgettably, unbelievably incredible days!

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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Commit Me!

By Bert Oliva

19
SEP
0

Ever have one of those days? I had a great Friday today. A day filled with excellent meetings that left me excited and ready for upcoming projects. And I ended it by spending time with close friends and playing some games. I even have an amazing Saturday planned, filled with breakfast plans and errands and fun things. I’ve been looking forward to my Saturday all day.

When I got home however, I discovered one of my family members is very ill. Not an emergency, but I have to take them to the doctor first thing tomorrow morning, which means my Saturday plans are now not possible. My family member’s illness of course takes precedence but I must admit I went through the normal gambit of human emotions: disappointment of the missed plans, resentment of the situation, justification of the situation, frustration and much more, till I finally just settled with it. It is what it is. I have a commitment to my family and that comes first.

Commitment is a big deal to me. I recently made a commitment to myself that I would write one blog post a day. Which is why I’m writing this at 2:58 in the morning. Just because situations and circumstances arise, there is no excuse to let your commitments slide. This is not because the people you’ve committed to will not understand your extenuating circumstances. This is for you. Subconsciously speaking, whenever you let yourself off the hook for something you’ve committed to, you begin to build a pattern of breaking commitments. You train your brain to not take commitments seriously, which makes making and keeping commitments that much harder.

Because of that, I am very careful with what I commit to; if I am not sure that I can fulfill something asked of me, I do not commit to it, but rather am honest, “I will do my best, but I can not guarantee I will be able to do it,” etc. This way I am honest with those around me and I am honest with myself. This builds trust with those close to you and trust within yourself. As you begin to become someone who fulfills their commitments, you will be surprised at how your confidence soars and how much better you feel about yourself overall.

So the next time you have one of those days where everything seems to be conspiring against you, take a moment to accept everything that is happening. And then get started on your commitments.

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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Pushing It

By Bert Oliva

18
SEP
0

Tonight I went to an event at a spa and I met a lot of really great people. Believe it or not, prior to the event, I really did not feel like going. I’d had a tough day and I really just felt like calling it a day, but I had made a commitment so I followed through. And, as I said, it ended up being a really great time.

The people I met were fun and interesting. We laughed and joked and got to know each other. We made great connections and it should be the beginning of a long relationship. Heck, I even got a free facial! I came home smiling and happy that I went.

However, how many times do we miss out on fantastic opportunities because we don’t push ourselves? How many times do we let ourselves off the hook and just say “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll go next time”? Where we justify our choices by saying we’re too stressed, too tired, too overwhelmed? Where we just don’t push ourselves to go because we don’t feel like it?

I know I have at times. And when I’ve chosen not to push myself, I’m always left with “What if’s.” What if I had gone? What if I miss out on something great? What if I had met someone? What if…

Honestly, I don’t feel this way that often anymore because because I’ve learned that any invitation I take, there is always an opportunity there. It may be a business opportunity or an opportunity to meet new people or just an opportunity to have fun, but there is always an opportunity. So, on those moments when I’ve feeling overwhelmed and not up to going somewhere, I just remind myself of the opportunities I will miss if I don’t go.

We are all human and we all have our limits. There are times when we really need to take breaks and not push ourselves to the edge. But if this becomes our habit and our norm, then we are stuck in a vicious cycle that keeps us from growing and reaching our true potential. Remember, growth only happens outside of our comfort zones. That’s why it’s vital for us to keep pushing, especially when we are uncomfortable or “just don’t feel like it.” So, the next opportunity that arises, take it. Push yourself. I promise, you won’t regret the results.

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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Waking Up Right

By Bert Oliva

17
SEP
0

EEEEEEEE!…. EEEEEEEE!….EEEEEEEE!…. EEEEEEEE!….

The alarm clock goes off. Your hand hits the snooze button. What’s the first thought that goes through your mind?

Just five more minutes…

Ugh! How can it be morning already? I have so much to do today…

I’m already late!

Starting our days off with a negative mindset sets our days off on a really negative path. Wherever our mindset is, we tend to attract those kinds of instances and situations throughout the day. When we’re positive, the positivity seems to just flow. And when we’re really negative, everything that can go wrong seems to. Now, many people may say that circumstances and situations are totally out of our control, but our mindsets at least determine how we handle the situations and circumstances that come our way. When we’re positive, a flat tire may be an opportunity to catch up with a friend who gives us a ride. When we’re negative, that flat tire may put us in such a bad mood that we get into a fight with our friend who came to help us. That’s why it’s so important to start the day off right.

Now, I’m human, and I must admit that many mornings my first thought is not “Today is going to be awesome,” but it is usually my second or third thought. I’ve learned to train myself to attract the day I want to have by having a positive mindset.

And then, once I get up, I keep the positivity going by getting myself ready for the day. Have you ever noticed how great your day tends to go when you feel good about yourself? When you take time to get yourself ready, you start your day with confidence and that confidence flows through the rest of your day.

So, whenever possible, take time for yourself in the morning. As soon as you wake up, take a moment and picture yourself meeting the day with grace and ease and laughter. Know that you are going to be a success and have a fantastic day. Know that no matter the challenges coming your way you’re going to face them and overcome them.

Once you have this positivity flowing, take the time and make yourself feel good about yourself in the morning. Dress for the success of your day. Have fun with it and feel good about yourself. You are worth taking this time. And your day will be much better because of it.

Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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Not How I Planned It!

By Bert Oliva

3
JUN
0

What do you do when things do not go as planned? When your car breaks down or you get a phone call that changes your plans for the day? Do you get angry? Do you get frustrated? Or do you take the situation for what it is and keep moving forward?

We’re all human. We all get frustrated and annoyed at times, especially when plans fall through or change due to circumstances beyond our control. The question is, how long do you feel that way? Do you allow yourself to feel your initial reaction to the situation and then continue with you day in whatever way it turns out to be? Or do you allow your initial reaction to control how the rest of your day goes?

If you tend to do the second one, you are not alone. However, that also means there is still work to be done. If you work on going with the flow more and not allowing situations and circumstances to upset you, you will have more happier and fulfilling moments throughout your life.

Remember, the one thing in life that is constant is change. One of my favorite sayings in life
is “We plan, God laughs.” So, the next time plans don’t go your way, go ahead and laugh along with him. It’s much more fun.

PowerTools™
1) The next time something happens that changes your plans, give yourself one minute to feel your initial reaction. Whether it be frustration, annoyance, anger, etc., everything goes for one minute. If you can, write down your feelings or let them out in another form for that minute.

2) Once that minute is up, it’s time to change your state. For at least 30 seconds, do something totally out of your norm to get yourself out of your mood. Do some jumping jacks, dance, sing your favorite song, etc. Do something that will get your mind off your emotions.

3) Now that you’re back in the driver’s seat of your emotions, look for the positive. What’s the benefit of having your meeting cancelled this morning? Do you have more time to prepare? If your significant other has to miss your special date tonight, that gives you time to spend with you, etc. It may be small and require thinking out of the box, but every negative truly has a positive. Find yours.



Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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ALWAYS A DAY AWAY

By Bert Oliva

31
MAR
0

I’ll do better tomorrow. I’ll do better tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow…

The days flip by like a page-a-day calendar. At the end of each day, we tell ourselves “I’ll do better tomorrow,” rip off the page, and toss it. But what happens the day when there isn’t a new fresh page? When there isn’t a tomorrow?

As cliché as it may sound, tomorrow truly is not promised. This evening is not promised. Your next breath isn’t promised.

It’s time to start making the most of every moment you have on this earth, because, believe me, it will be shorter than you think it will be. We all waste so much time worrying and putting off and wishing and complaining that we forget to live. We forget to enjoy every moment and make the most of every moment.

The time to do better is now. That’s NOW. Not tomorrow, or next week, but right this very moment.

PowerTools™
1) Make a list of three things you can do this week to change your quality of life.

2) Choose one of these things, set a deadline for yourself, and do it.

3) Tackle the second item on your list. And then the third.



Live Life,
Bert Oliva

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