“It’s not my fault!” “But you said…” “I didn’t mean to…” How often have you found yourself saying these things? I had a coaching student who started saying these things all the time. She’d reach out to help people and then would react badly when anyone had anything remotely critical to say.
She made her herself out to be a martyr. Made it so she was doing everything for other people and was not in control of anything. So then nothing was ever her fault and she would constantly blame others. She would act out and pick fights with the people whom she felt were “forcing” her to do things.
The worst thing about this situation was that she was not aware she was doing it. She kept getting into fights with those around her and she wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t able to see the pattern she had put herself in.
I asked her to journal. To start journaling daily. Soon after she told me she had figured it out. Looking at her journal entries, she was able to see the pattern of her being a martyr. Of her silently resenting those around her for things she actually volunteered to do. She began to see her refusal to accept responsibility for her actions.
So, what exactly is the problem with not taking responsibility? Isn’t it much easier to walk through life thinking nothing is your fault? Isn’t it better? No. Because subconsciously speaking, when we don’t take responsibility but instead make excuses for everything, then nothing is in our control. The reason we don’t have the life we want is because of someone else. The reason we made that mistake is because of something else. Etc. Etc. When we have excuses for everything, we have no reason to grow and push ourselves because we can’t change anything ourselves. We are stuck in a never ending cycle of mediocre that we have no way of getting out of.
I’m not saying to go to the extreme and say everything is your fault. But for the most part, everything that happens to you, is at least partially a result of your choices. You even have choices regarding those things that happen that are truly outside of your realm of influence—because you can choose how you react to them. You are able to be in full control of your thoughts and actions. You just have to work on it.
If you are on the journey of self growth, consciously working on accepting responsibility for your choices and actions and what happens to you is an important task to take on. This will by no means be an easy task that you learn instantaneously. It will be a learning process. But it is a process that is utterly worthwhile.
Live Life,
Bert Oliva